Valentine’s Day…I won’t even get on my soapbox about this bullshit. Mostly because I am no longer a fat kid in school that doesn’t get any Valentines. I will not get on my soapbox because now I am a fat wife with an amazing husband that buys me the mini Russell Stover’s chocolate heart in order to meet me halfway amidst my protestations against Valentines chocolates. And let’s be honest; I’d eat the shit out of a full size box of a giant heart-shaped box…except the fruit flavors. Are you kidding me? If I want to eat healthy chocolate, I will take my fat ass over to Whole Foods and buy some of that fair trade 95% cocoa stuff.
Izzy is now in second grade and I quickly became known as the mom that does not fuck around. This came on the heels of multiple lice outbreaks (more on that later) and how, three years in a row…give me a minute so I can breathe deep and not call anyone names…how three years in a row my daughter went missing on the first day of school on the return bus trip home.
But I digress…
What I will complain about – because it couldn’t truly be called a day, in which the sun rose and set, if I did not complain about something – is last minute requests from daycare for party contributions.
You guys. They range in ages from 6 weeks to 4 years old. They don’t even know what day it is much less that there is a fake holiday looming over them!
None the less, I was asked to provide a Valentine-themed cookie for the Valentine party for the kids that would sooner send a Valentine to their favorite woobie than they would each other. And I was asked to provide this without much notice.
So this is my “You’re lucky I put in this much effort – A Valentine Cookie recipe”
First, go buy some cookies. I bought these oreos because they were on an endcap at the Food Lion near my work. I was shopping on my lunch break. BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS BULLSHIT AND I HAVE TO DO ALL OF MY SHOPPING ON MY FUCKING LUNCH BREAK.
Get a tube of this spray cheese icing.
Pop the top and spray a bunch of it in your mouth.
Then squeeze a bunch of this stuff on top of each Oreo. I would encourage you to make a farting noise while you do this. It will help you forget that everyone else in the house is tucked into bed and sawing fucking logs while you are awake, wondering why you gave up weekday drinking, and decorating cookies with what might as well be arsenic and rocket fuel.
Let them sit out overnight to let the icing harden. Hopefully the cat will jump up on the counter in the middle of the night and lick a few. If you are really lucky, she will sprinkle them with some cat hair.
If you want to be fancy, you can call these Oreo Roses. If you want to get real, you will call them ‘Bullshit parties suck and make extra work for moms the world over now shut the fuck up and eat them’ cookies.
Enjoy that sugar rush, daycare provider.