People usually begin their weight loss journey with an epiphany for why they must change. I never had that. It was pretty simple for me. I was grossly overweight, I didn’t want to be overweight anymore and so I started a weight loss plan. I hoped beyond hope that I’d find my moment along the way. I waited patiently – and sometimes not – for something or someone to speak to me. I’ve been waiting my whole life for this moment. That moment when you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that everything has changed.
I waited and waited. Weeks passed, pounds were shed, goals were met and still there was nothing. There was no revelation, no lightening bolts, no divine moment. I had all but given up on having my moment. To feel better I had convinced myself that other people who claimed to have had this moment were full of it. All I felt was empty and tired.
Yet despite all my convincing, my heart ached for something to tell me that all my hard work would not go to waste. All of my waiting and wanting would be rewarded with clarity. Something to tell me that it was ok to finally spread my weathered wings and fly far away from the many things that put me where I began this journey.
Sometimes in life you have to resign yourself to accept that some of your expectations will not be met.
Sometimes, for the sake of preservation, you have to tell yourself that its ok to move on and let the fire die.
Sometimes though, the tiniest of embers linger, and a gentle breeze will blow and ignite an inferno in your heart.
Today my heart is on fire because I got my moment I had waited my whole life for and now I feel as though I am finally living a whole life. I can barely type out the words without my heart swelling so much that it feels like it might come out of my chest.
When that robotic voice chimed in over my music to let me know I had just run a mile in 7 minutes and 46 seconds, I laughed. I didn’t believe it and I kept going. Then my previously cold face got warm. The warmth worked its way down my shoulders, into my arms, through my fingers until it reached my feet that were numb from the cold. Every part of my body was tingling and I kept going. I wanted to stop and look at my app, still not believing what I heard. Then I heard it again. I stopped for just a second and looked at the app. I could not believe I did it once, let alone twice. But there it was. I had improved my average time by almost five minutes.
I started running again. I was holding back tears, fighting back a prideful grin and feeling foolish for being excited about something that comes easily to others.
No. I earned this. I’ll throw a god damn parade over this if I want to!
I just went with it. I let it all go. I cried as I ran. I laughed and as I flew along that back road I clapped my hands together in delight and I yelled toward the sky ‘I’m beating you! I’m really beating you! You’ll never catch up to me again!’. And even thought I’m sure I looked quite insane, I didn’t care. Because every painful memory that had glued itself to my body, all the guilt, the shame and sadness fell away from my being. Finally, my spirit felt as light as my body.
I grew wings that day. I have turned the tables on my struggle with obesity and food addiction. And even though this monster will always be at my back following closely behind, it will never pull me down again.
Month One: -16 lbs
Month Two: -5 lbs
Month Three: -6 lbs
Month Four: -6 lbs
Month Five: -6 lbs
Month Six: -8.5 lbs
Month Twelve: -4 lbs
Week forty nine: -2