I’ve tried many times in the past month to write this post. Please bear with me, because parts of it will probably go unexplained until I can further expand on them in another post. I don’t want to dump it all in one post. That’s just a recipe for Hot Mess Stew. I guess I will give you a synopsis and explain it all bit by bit over the next few days. I really just wanted to tell you guys ‘I haz a sad’ and move forward from there. I’m generally not down with being so TMI in this space that it will make someone else uncomfortable. (Isn’t that what my Facebook is for?). But I don’t feel like I’m being honest with you or myself by white-washing the challenges I’ve faced.
I honestly don’t even know where to begin with this. So I guess I will go back to my half marathon in September. Because I think that is when things really began to fall apart. This probably will not be well constructed…you know, word vomit.
September, October, and a smidge of November
The Philly Rock n’ Roll Half Marathon
I was and still am very unhappy with the way this race turned out for me. I am terribly disappointed and angry with my finish time. I can’t seem to get over it. But what was even more disappointing was my family’s reaction to my doing this race. They were very aware that I was doing this run. Maybe they thought it wasn’t such a big deal because I had been running so often. But you know what? It was a big fucking deal. And when I spoke to my parents the days leading up to it, never once was there a ‘good luck’ or a sentiment of support. As I always do, I let it go. We all had a lot on our plate with preparing for my Aunt’s 80th birthday party. But when I saw my family just a couple of hours of completing my first half marathon, my largest athletic feat to date, there was not a single congratulatory word to be had. I didn’t do this for them. Still though, I feel like a damn fool for having any expectations that they would be proud or impressed with what I had done or otherwise celebrate my achievement.
You know… I don’t even really know how much I want to talk about this right now. I can barely think about it without getting upset. Long story short: The plan all along has been to have another baby once I hit goal. Well, that’s not happening and I’m angry and sad about it. I’m mad at myself, I’m mad at anyone that has what I want. (Yes, I do realize how irrational that is and I try very hard to not demonstrate this anger.)
It all comes down to money and by the time we work out the money, I am worried that we wont have the ability. This realization quite literally broke my heart. I swear to god I heard something inside of me rip. I don’t think my husband even knows how much…but I guess he will now. I cry in the car after I drop Izzy at school. I cry in the bathroom at work when I wonder what the hell I’m doing here. I bite my cheeks to the point of injury in the presence of pregnant women to keep myself from imposing my melodrama on them. I also feel like a complete asshole for being upset about this when I am physically capable of having a child when so many women are not. But you know…it blows. No matter what your situation is regarding children, if you want them and you can’t have them, it just blows.
I just can’t write about this right now. But I’m just telling you about it to clue you in on where I am at.
I hate my job. There, I said it. I hate my job. I sit here every day and I am angry about my future. I’m far too talented for this job and I feel undervalued. And I’m not talking about money. I won’t discuss what I make but I will give credit where it’s due; I am very well paid. I know that if I did the same job anywhere else, I would make a third of what I make here. I am grateful for that and the other benefits that this job provides. I am grateful to have a good job when so many skilled professionals still struggle to find work in their fields at a fair wage. By all rights, this a ‘good’ job and a company with a lot of potential. I think I’m a good fit here if the job evolved into something else. However, generally speaking, not only have I outgrown this position (and there is nowhere to go), my entire employment here has been heavily pocked with negative issues. I feel trapped. I want to be here but I am not fulfilled. I’m struggling to say what I want. I don’t want to be ‘that person’ that blogs about their job and catches a raft of crap for it. Because really the problem lies with me and my inability to find fulfillment in my situation.
I won’t sugarcoat this, my brother is a very severe and high functioning alcoholic. I’m not going to pretend this is a big secret or that it should be all hush-hush. I have a lot of issues and resentments when it comes to my brother and the way in which my parents deal with him. While my brother and I don’t talk about this and we are very friendly with each other, I’m sure he is very aware of how I feel. That being said, I love my brother and I want to support him in making positive changes. With that in mind, I won’t discuss his private issues as to how much he drinks, how it effects his family or the poor choices he has made because of his drinking. However, I can no longer pretend that his actions and my parent’s reactions do not affect me. Apparently though, they are not of the same mindset. So much so that when my brother decided to detox on his own, got very ill and then finally sought out professional treatment, no one bothered to let me know. This was incredibly hurtful to me.
More often than not, I feel as though I am an extended member of the family rather than the daughter and the sibling. I get it. I’m the one that is thriving, I can take care of myself. But time and again, I am left out of the loop. I’m so glad he sought out treatment, that is what is important here. He is attending meetings and has been sober for a few weeks now. I’m proud of him. I know this situation is incredibly hard on my parents and I hope this time it sticks for him so that they can get a break. I know I am a grown woman with a family of my own but I still can’t help but feel lost and forgotten. While they are busy saving him from drowning, I am getting washed away.
People that don’t know how to leave well enough alone
About a month ago, I got a message on Facebook from a high school classmate. I still have not read the note. I skimmed the first few lines and decided I didn’t want to read it. Right now, I just don’t want to. Despite the fact that I didn’t read the note, this did not stop it from consuming my thoughts. I’m angry about that. I’m angry that yet again, this person has invaded my space. That she tries to insert herself into my life knowing full well that I do not want her there. I’m angry that this is sucking up my time and my thoughts. I’m angry that I am letting it.
It’s a very long story and one I don’t think that I can fairly tell until I read her note. She tried to contact me back when MySpace was popular – it didn’t go well. Even though its been about six years since then, and even more since I last saw her in person, the memories are as vivid as if they happened a week ago. I told my best friend about the note, someone that was witness to a lot of the mistreatment that was heaped on me. She said she isn’t worth my time. Right now, I agree with her. I will read the note when I am ready…and maybe I never will. Maybe she will try again on the next big social media platform in another 6 years. Maybe I will read the note later this week and I will find forgiveness for her. Or maybe it will sit unread until the password to that account is long forgotten. Who knows.
• • •
So this is the bulk of the stuff that has been consuming my life in the past couple of months. Throw in some money issues, let is simmer, and serve the Hot Mess Stew over a heaping pile of Woe-is-Me. I spent a lot of this time doing nothing that would end in good results. There was a lot of not eating properly, drinking too much wine, and I certainly wasn’t exercising the way I should have been.
All was not lost though. I ran several races with some first timers. That really made me feel good that I continue to pay it forward with the running. I love seeing the sense of accomplishment in my friend’s faces when they realize they have conquered something that a few months ago they thought was impossible. And that’s kind of where I am right now. I’m looking at these photos and knowing what I’ve accomplished and feeling good about it.
Here’s the really hard part: Confessing that I’m up about 10.5 pounds. I am not happy about it. But I’m trying to let go of the disappointments of the last few months and move forward. Rather than dwell on the weight I’ve gained, I’m going to refocus on getting it off again. Today I am back on the 4&2 plan. I will stay on the 4&2 plan until I get back to 140 pounds.
I also have some good things on the horizon that may fix some of the stuff I am down about too. Yay! More on that later. And probably more on the other crap above. But especially more on this.
I’ve had my fill of Hot Mess Stew. There will be good days and bad, no doubt. Honestly, today isn’t that great. But it will be the last day for a long while that I let myself be dragged down by emotional eating and laziness. After all, I have to pace myself for the holiday blahs. Those are gonna be AWESOME. (Sarcasm is calorie-free, FYI.)
(Also, I will be making a post about candy later today. Don’t get confused. I’m not eating candy today. 😉 )
• • •
First year: 77lbs
Week seventy four: –2 lbs GOAL!!!!!! 100 POUNDS LOST! (140 pounds)
Current weight: 150.5
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*FTC Disclosure: Medifast provides their products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. All thoughts written here are mine. I love complaining so I would tell you if I didn’t like something in the program.
Medifast products and the Medifast Program are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease or illness. Any medical improvements noted while on the program are related to weight loss in general, and not to Medifast products or programs.
Jenni from the Blog (maintaining since summer ’11)
The Adventures of Goober Grape and Monkey Man (maintaining since April ’11)